Roller Coasters

I would like to talk about roller coasters. Not in the literal sense but in the figurative "I am on a roller coaster in life" sense. It is meant to symbolize the "ups" and "downs" in life and how drastic they can be. I do not think this is an accurate analogy however. Let me explain.

At an amusement park you ride roller coasters for the thrill. You get on and the anticipation of going up the hill is exciting and fun. The plummet down the other side is exhilarating and wonderful. So really the downs are just as fun if not more fun than the ups. There are no "downs" on a roller coaster, only "ups". The whole freaking ride is great even if you pee yourself a little.

Allow me to propose a more apt analogy for those times where you say "It feels like I am on a roller coaster". I think in those situations you should say "It feels like I am drowning in a bog of monkey shit but every time I struggle to the surface and gasp some sweet life giving air, a Russian dude in a way too tight wrestling outfit hits me on the head with a dead ostrich foot and I start to sink back into the nightmarish bog of primate feces."

Granted it is a much longer expression but I think it more closely parallels the situations where people use the roller coaster analogy. See, drowning in the shit bog is the downside, gasping sweet life giving air is the upside, and getting the fuck out of the bog is your end goal, which is freaking awesome and then you can finally face that god damn Russian on more equal ground, except he probably still has that ostrich foot and you are most likely weighed down with monkey shit.

So the next time you have a situation you are in with drastic "ups" and "downs" ask yourself is it more like an awesome fun roller coaster ride or is it more like trying to escape a shit bog where even if you manage to escape you may or may not have to fight a sadistic Russian armed with an ostrich foot.

Gum

I like gum. It can taste delicious and give me something to do with my mouth besides say stupid things and make weird noises. I do however have a problem with most gums. They tend to lose their flavor rather quickly. While chewing something is entertaining I lose interest in it when it loses it's flavor, much like I lose interest in any single girl who mentions that she has children.

Some gum brands have tried to fix this and they have made gum that lasts a fairly long time. The problem is that the gum usually tastes like a foot that has been soaked in garbage and left in the sun for 24 hours. Having an incredibly long lasting gum is pointless without delicious flavor to back it up. It is like having sex for a really long time but you are wearing two condoms and are being flogged with a hose spurting blood out of the end of it. Also you don't have an orgasm.

My solution to the flavor not lasting very long issue is usually to just get a new piece more often. This however becomes expensive and creates a lot of trash, not that I really give a crap about the environment but finding new places to put chewed gum is becoming tiresome. Anyway I still search for a solution to my deep and pressing gum issue or at least until I get distracted by spider monkeys, but alas let us save that for another time.

Bad Days

I would like to talk a bit about bad days and how I sometimes feel. And by talk about I mean rant on like a homeless person at the bus stop who tries to convince you that the bus is really an alien space ship and you shouldn't get on it unless you want to be abducted and probed, which really wouldn't deter a lot of the people I know from getting on the bus so I think that this post might be entertaining.

I have a lot of bad days. Some days suck more than others. The worse a day gets the more the little things get to me and it ends up flat spinning out of control and I want to eject but I don't want to end up like Goose from Top Gun cause that is a really shitty way to die.

So anyway when a day like this starts I try to correct for the bad things to prevent a flat spin and the choice of eating a whole package of Oreos or cracking my head open on the canopy of an F-14 fighter. These attempts usually fail and often times make things worse. For example, lets say a friend of mine has hurt my feelings, which is incredibly hard to do. I will then try to let them know that I am hurt. This leads to them getting defensive and an argument over who is the bigger douche bag (usually measured in milliliters), which makes my day worse.

OK let's say a friend doesn't invite me to hang out and they have invited a bunch of other people to hang out. I have a few responses to this that I feel would be appropriate:

1. Express how I am hurt I am left out because I consider us to be good friends and like spending time with them.

2. Ask them how they would feel if I did the same thing to them to try to give them perspective on the type of pain they have caused me.

3. Call them a dirty whore who I hope dies of AIDS while they are on fire and being eaten by a fucking tapir.

I think all of these options are valid responses although I am particularly fond of option three. For some reason people do not react well to option three even though it is almost always true. Remember these are just samples. I tailor my reaction to each person so as to more accurately describe my feelings.

So let's say that I have chosen option three in this scenario. This usually leads to an argument even though I have reacted in a completely reasonable manner. I am then forced to think why did they react that way and the only reasons I can come up with are that they are delusional and cannot deal with reality. My day is made worse by the fact that almost everyone I meet is that way. No wonder the world is in such a mess.

Very Ruff Start

Ok so let's begin with some basics shall we?

I am funny. No matter how unfunny this blog may seem I assure you, I am funny. I am funnier in person but I will try to convey my brilliance through this crude form of written communication.

The stories and thoughts in this blog may or may not be true to protect my image. I may or may not be smarter or dumber than these stories portray me. So don't judge me.

A lot of stuff I have to say might be offensive. If you are easily offended, my blog is not for you and you are a giant floppy pussy.

Alright now you know some basics, and that is good right?

First Post

This is going to be an amazing blog and you all will love it. It will delight your every sense and make you want to worship my genius. No but seriously you should read this blog. It will be funny. It will be revolutionary. It will be the best blog ever! Here is a panda that I drew!